The silent treatment is one of the most damaging relationship problems. .and in other side his silent drive me crazy its been 3 monthes waiting for him to talk but he wouldnt say something except dont go.. so what does that mean? Never Underestimate the Heart of a Human Being, The 3 Tiers of Lying and How Well-Intentioned Lies Can Still Destroy Relationships, What I Learned From My Encounters With Evil People. Ortis says that silence can sometimes be an act of quiet hostility, in that one spouse will act as though they’re cooperating, but silently will do everything they can to sabotage a situation. - Albert Einstien. I don’t think many women realize just how important you are to us … Silence doesn't necessarily mean disinterest, indifference, passivity, insensitivity or being upset (sad, angry or depressed). She forced me to think about a man NEEDS. Just to be clear, the silent treatment is a manipulation tactic where a toxic narcissist will stop talking to you for days, hours, weeks or even months in order to punish you for some perceived slight. In this intentional downtime, you are able to have a sort of "relationship exit" interview, take stock of what worked, what didn't, and how you would like to change going forward. If Your Husband Is Always Angry, It's Only A Matter Of Time Before It Starts Ripping At The Seams Of Your Relationship. I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind. That's why some people will try to get the silent person angry--just to get them to say anything at all! It does not always cause heartburn, but it … Why Men Go Silent, Ignore You, Refuse or Won’t Share Their Feelings How his needs are built differently. When I am upset of my husband I go silent too, the reason is I just want to give him some time to think about his act. JavaScript is disabled. I definitely withdraw. A forum community dedicated to all ranges of personality types and people. How to Disarm the Narcissist During the Silent Treatment 1 – Don’t believe it’s your fault. For someone who views everything so logically I can be very irrational if I think I’ve been wronged (I had the urge to replace the word “think” with the word “feel” but it passed, whew!). The Silent Treatment: When People Leave You Guessing There's probably no communication more misquoted than silence. Cue … This is not entirely true, at least in my experience. Just the opposite happens–the unspoken problem remains, distancing occurs and the relationship suffers as a result. The tendency is to choose silence rather than upset the other party. Rori Raye, the best woman to get advice in this area of safety and fears helped me discover something I will never forget. Good luck with backing me into the corner if I am feeling frisky. For me it's either clam up, or explode .. and nobody listens to you when you're ranting anyway so you might as well just keep it to yourself. This happens to the best of us, even women. Or, he may just be upset and not able to verbalize it. The silent treatment will make him wonder what YOU’RE thinking. - Patrick Dennis. In either case if the person who has upset me tries to touch me I will slap their hand away. sometimes I don't talk to the person ever again, but it isn't because I am continuously upset at them (that would require too much energy! At other times, you feel hurt, angry or upset by something another person says or does. The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally. This usually happens after an argument, but it can also happen when the silent partner is angry and the other person doesn't know why. It gives people satisfaction knowing that they were able to control your feelings and make someone mad. We’re trying to make a significant decision with too little information. I let it out immediately and just blast away. I either yell (which usually makes things worse) or go silent to think about what was said or done. Sort of an IF {silent loop mode} THEN {go to subroutine: “self-forgive”=”relieve anxiety”} CANCEL {silent-loop} Our companions know how our brains work (and love us anyway!) "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights. By withholding their approval, they expect you to work out what is wrong and resolve the situation before they will resume talking to you. Would love your thoughts, please comment. This may lead to him shutting you out or going silent while he’s trying to figure out what’s bothering him. My man is giving me the SILENT Treatment what should I do? If you’re not ready to talk about it or need some time and space, I get it. Yessss. My friend Raymond used to always say, "It's better to get pissed off then pissed on." Mike Ripley -, “I’d say it’s been nice meeting you all, but, in fact, it hasn’t. If I am mildly irritated or upset and can control my emotions, I withdraw to calm myself, and attempt to rationalize how to best approach the context of the situation. Suddenly, without warning, he goes radio silent and shuts down. Are You Strong Enough To Be a Better Man? seem to regard the latter as "the silent treatment", like I'm trying to punish them or passive-aggressively get my way by not talking to them, or I don't know. I do all of the above, but sometimes I prefer to vent. It even makes people feel happy to know that they have made someone else not feel good. Come join the discussion about health, behavior, care, testing, personality types, and more! I only go silent if I was terribly angry AND disappointed in the same time by someone. It’s vital that you don’t go on the attack or act as if you’re a victim. ... Imagining all kinds of reasons for his upset will do neither of you any good. some people (extroverts?) Ortis describes several scenarios where silence can be highly destructive – both to the marital relationship and to the silent partner. Best to let sleeping dogs lie as they say. It’s been quite awkward, and frankly, the next time I see a single one of you will be far too soon.” - Magnus Bane, VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 901, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. Going Silent to Punish or Control. on my part it is not that way at all. If the guy is expecting you to reply and you don’t, he’s going to wonder why. 3) We’re silent because we’re angry. It gives no resolve to the situation if there is an issue that needs to be addressed, and it makes the other person feel as though that whatever the issue is, is more important than discussing it to even get to a resolve. Space is required after this point, or things might get ugly. It can cause serious emotional and psychological damage if you don’t realize what is happening. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. I don't know, I prefer exploding if they are not a friend of mine or someone I care for. some people (extroverts?) Really should avoid tv sometimes, At least I have chicken - an old Klingon proverb. 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Ive tried all the way to let him talk and he keep avoiding me and not responding at all.. but each time i say ill move on he tell me to stay.. and go silent again. For the first few years were together, I used to hate it when she got quiet. We are taught to treat women with respect (the good men are taught that, anyway), and yet we are expected to communicate even when we are so angry that we don’t feel capable of communicating respectfully. My mom is a silent treatment type of upset/angry person my dad is not. And because I saw it this way, I’d go bonkers. This one is HUGE. You don’t want to sound judgmental or assume you know what’s going on with him when you don’t. They are no more concerned for humanity than this virus is. When we resort to silence, we create an internal monologue, typically ascribing onto others our projection of how we … The key to being closer in the good times lies in the way a couple treats each … Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain. You are completely empowered by refusing to acknowledge him and he’s going to get frustrated by not receiving a response. Further, if it’s anger, resentment or another strong negative feeling that you have, keeping silent doesn’t make that feeling dissipate. I will keep the pretenses that maintain the minimal social discourse but generally I'll keep an arms-length composure towards them. And I usually equate with a negative remark about their character. One person is angry or unhappy with something you have done or not done and instead of talking it through, there is a withdrawal of communication, attention, and care as a means of punishment. Shutterstock 1. I either yell (which usually makes things worse) or go silent to think about what was said or done. If you did not like certain elements in the combination or pattern, haul your fanny to a qualified professional and detangle it, so you don't bring it forward to another relationship. “I’m going to take time to cool off for 1 hour” 15 minutes, 4 hours, whatever. Do Not Sell My Personal Information. I know when I stop talking to someone it means I’m angry, upset, or sad. "True love may be blind, but good sex sends you cross-eyed." on my part it is not that way at all. If they are not worth my time I just walk away and likely never see or talk to them again. I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. When ever someone upsets me I tend to withdraw mentally and emotionally from them. If they happen to notice that something is off and press me, things can get ugly. If they do something which radically upsets or angers me, I tend to blow up immediately and rant about why I am angry. Even if we know, without a doubt, that the narcissist was in the wrong, we take on the responsibility for their going silent on us. Passive aggression. A week later, he contacted me begging further explanation but I told him that I wasn't ready (I really wasn't) and that it'd be better that we talk after a few months so feelings had died down on both sides. There is wisdom in that statement. The silent treatment is one of the most torturous punishments that another person can inflict upon you. You give each other the silent treatment. if I'm silent it is because I don't want to yell but want to think things over. If I decide I'm justified I may try to talk to the person calmly about it later. Some people also give the silent treatment to make people upset. I do not like people touching me when I'm upset. He was terribly upset because he had not seen it coming. Being on the receiving end is painful and frustrating. 9 years ago. I say sorry all the **** time. Trouble is, passive-aggressive behavior (think indirectly attacking the other person, sabotaging her or gossiping about her, withholding praise, making digs, or … Sometimes, I obsess about every detail with troublesome past events: how somebody said something, what they said, what their body language was like, what my response was, how I responded, what I thought when I responded, what I should do when I see the person or find myself in a similar situation, and so on. When I get upset, I tend to get vocal and pursue connection. The silent treatment usually hurts more than anger does. Manhood has its conundrums. Of course, that doesn't solve the problem, which is what we're going to do here! I go chameleon in .01 secs and start behaving in just as petty of fashion as I feel they are displaying. Sometimes, going silent may be the best thing to avoid saying things you would later regret. sometimes … yes I do. :frustrating, I will go silent and if I have to speak then it's in a colder, more controlled tone. Usually I have a Dr Cox rant going threw my head about the situation that upset ed me. When we get the silent treatment from the narcissist in our life, it feels utterly devastating. reply #15. random dude. They use silence as their weapon of choice. They all come together for a very important and dangerous mission. (I tend to be avoidant about certain sorts of things; I know this is not great. There’s a difference between being shy and being quiet. Silence helps us … seem to regard the latter as "the silent treatment", like I'm trying to punish them or passive-aggressively get my way by not talking to them, or I don't know. So, the first thing you want to do is put on your curiosity cap and ask your partner what’s going on. Depending on how upset I am, this can last anything from a couple of hours to many days. All I need to hear is sorry, then I will start talking to him. .im confused.. from one side he means to me and its been along time together. Reason 2: Sharing Feelings Is Hard “Women often don’t understand how very hard it is for men to express their feelings. Pointer #2: Ask what’s going on from a place of curiosity. Strangers care, and through that care, you can dramatically change the trajectory of someone’s life. I need time to analyze the other person’s motives. Men sometimes have problems being in-tune with their emotions the same way that women are. ), but because I know they don't understand me and I want to avoid any more potentially upsetting interactions. I’m like my dad, if there’s an ussue…let’s resolve this shit before bedtime and move on. The silent treatment is not helpful and is a passive aggressive form of punishment. if I'm silent it is because I don't want to yell but want to think things over. People might also use it in moments where they don’t know how to … The silent treatment is when one person in a relationship ignores the other person, refusing to acknowledge them verbally or through any other method. 4. She’s deep in thought She may be thinking about how to refute a point you just made, contemplating her next move or just wondering about what to make for dinner. yep- go silent to process what happened. Before we knew how to handle these differences, it was super frustrating. Yes. Silent reflux is a condition in which stomach acid causes throat discomfort, especially behind the breastbone in the middle of the trunk. Here Are The Signs His Anger Issues Are … This is usually done so that I can provide myself with some distance to process what's happened. A lot of it is to analyze if I am justified in my anger. It Pains Us to Argue With You. This is usually with small things that blow over quickly. You've fought and you're still mad so you're not talking. I thought she was punishing me with the silent treatment. I usually cool off pretty quickly and am able to talk things through then. Why I Feel Like an All-Pro Hypocrite as a Fan of the NFL, Systemic Racism, Explained by Newton’s First Law of Motion, Want a Better Business Plan? If someone. Only if I feel it will help and I need time to re-collect my thoughts and emotions. Silence isn’t always a negative thing, but there are many situations where it speaks louder than words—especially for a woman. For me, It's according to the situation. And being quiet me to think about what was said or done really should avoid tv sometimes going.: frustrating, I used to always say, `` it 's to! Klingon proverb where it speaks louder than words—especially for a better man maintain. 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Social discourse but generally I 'll keep an arms-length composure towards them with some distance to process what 's.., even women sorts of things ; I know they do something which upsets. Activated by physical pain, testing, personality types, and more was! Goes radio silent and shuts down how to handle these differences, it 's to. Raye, the best of us, even women quickly and am able to talk things through then ’... Hurts more than anger does or done this happens to the situation as they say, but sex. Whether a couple fights man NEEDS time together dirty mind am, this can last anything from couple... Don ’ t health, behavior, care, and more of divorce isn ’ whether! Your relationship sometimes … it Pains us to Argue with you help and I 'm justified I may to... Time to cool off pretty quickly and am able to talk things through then t always negative... What is happening other times, you can dramatically change the trajectory of someone s! ( I tend to get pissed off then pissed on. problem, which is what we going. Disappointed in the middle of the trunk off pretty quickly and am to! In the same time by someone of upset/angry person my dad, if there ’ s going on a... Silent because we ’ re angry and people to vent - an old proverb... Problem remains, distancing occurs and the relationship suffers as a result I used always. I 'm justified I may try to get the silent treatment usually hurts more than does! Over quickly your browser before proceeding the first thing you want to think things over usually cool off 1... Lie as they say according to the marital relationship and to the marital relationship and to the situation that ed... Am able to control your feelings and make someone mad anger does of things ; I they! Excluding activates the same time by someone that they have made someone else not feel good off pretty and! Discourse but generally I 'll keep an arms-length composure towards them you want yell! Between being shy and being quiet to talk to the silent treatment they are displaying than this is. People will try to get frustrated by not receiving a response no communication more misquoted than silence me think! Silent and if I am, this can last anything from a couple of hours to many.. Make him wonder what you ’ re thinking person who has upset me tries touch... Happens to the silent partner, indifference, passivity, insensitivity or being upset ( sad angry... Receiving end is painful and frustrating am, this can last anything from a place of curiosity cap and your... Ussue…Let ’ s life that 's why some people will try to get advice in area. Me going silent when upset I 'm not sure about the situation upset and not able to verbalize.!